Many couples plan romantic trips as a chance to reconnect with one another. My husband and I left our daughters with my parents and took a short trip the year before we had our son, and we had a wonderful time focusing on one another and on our relationship. It was many years before we could do this again. When our son was 8-months old, he developed Type 1 diabetes which was a challenge in care-taking, but when he was three and a half and I discovered a mass in his abdomen which turned out to be kidney cancer, his care became even more challenging. Unlike with our older daughters, we didn’t feel comfortable leaving him with anyone due to the complications of his care, so whenever or wherever we went, our son accompanied one or both of us. It wasn’t until he was about 10-years old and our oldest daughter was home from her studies at BYU that we finally felt confident that we could take a weekend away to reconnect with one another. We were so excited! We didn’t plan to go far, but we relished the idea of no interruptions from childcare responsibilities for two days.
Our expectations, however, didn’t match the reality. Just when we were enjoying ourselves on a walk along the river, we received a call from our oldest daughter. Our air conditioner wasn’t working. After advising her which service to call, we soon received another call that it would be a few days before they could respond and there was no way they could tolerate the heat inside the house. Fortunately, we had a backup plan so they didn’t have to endure the heat, but the many calls back and forth over the two days somewhat detracted from our trip and our planned re-connection time. We still had time to discuss our hopes and dreams and enjoy each other’s company, but when my husband and I recall memories of this “romantic getaway,” we laugh about how it turned out.
Fortunately, romantic trips away from home and children are NOT essential for reconnecting or maintaining connection with one’s spouse. The secret of remaining connected is in our everyday brief exchanges with our spouse. In his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. John Gottman (2015) states that, “couples who engage in lots of such interactions tend to remain happy. What is really happening in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting — they are attuning by turning toward each other. Couples who do so are building mutual trust” (2015, p. 87). According to Gottman, by acknowledging our spouse “during the grind of everyday life,” we are letting him or her know that they are valued and this helps fuel “real-life romance” (p.88). Gottman (2015) explained that:
“In marriage, couples are always making what I call bids for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid by turning toward the spouse or turning away. A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life. … Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they’re faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times” (p.88-89).
Who knew it could be so simple to both build the trust level in a marriage and to fuel romance in marriage? Not only is it simple, but it’s easy to accomplish. Choosing to turn towards one’s spouse during everyday interactions can strengthen the relationship more effectively than a romantic getaway! That’s because, as Dr. Gottman (2015) describes it, “a romantic outing only turns up the heat if a couple has kept the pilot light burning by staying in touch in the little ways” (p. 89). It’s important for couples to understand the impact that these little interactions can have on their relationship. And an additional benefit of turning toward one’s spouse is that ““turning toward” operates under a law of positive feedback — like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results” (p.89). An initial small gesture by one spouse, leads to a succession of gestures and each spouse turning toward the other.
There are two obstacles to beware of because they can cause us to miss a bid by our spouse and prevent us from turning toward him or her. The first one is when the bid is difficult to recognize as a result of being wrapped in negative emotion. Instead of responding defensively, Gottman (2015) advises us to “pause for a moment and search for the bid underneath your partner’s harsh words … then focus on the bid, not the delivery” (p.92).
The second obstacle is being distracted by technology. Gottman (2015) cites research by Nicholas Carr that “indicates that self-distraction has become a permanent, unconscious habit for many people” and that “all of those electronic devices have gotten us used to having our concentration and focus interrupted” (p. 93). Gottman (2015) relates that “this culture of distraction doesn’t benefit intimate relationships, which require the opposite: the habit of being aware and paying attention” (p.93). I personally have felt that technology has been my biggest rival for my husband’s attention. The solution for this problem is as Gottman (2015) states, “for both partners to acknowledge if it is a concern between them and to establish rules of etiquette that work for both of them” (p. 94).
So, what if you still really want that romantic getaway for connecting with your spouse? Great! Just remember that it’s the little interactions within our home that really build our relationships. In a book of modern-day scripture called the Doctrine and Covenants, used by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, in Section 64, verse 33, we are instructed, “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.” The small acts of turning toward our spouse will help lay that foundation for a strong and satisfying marriage relationship.
Kirsten's marriage blog 