When my husband and I married, we were very fortunate. Even though our families were different from each other, they did share some similarities which made it easier to adapt and fit in. Each set of parents welcomed their child’s spouse into the family and accepted them wholeheartedly. It was very comfortable transition. Both sets of parents were supportive without intruding in our marriage relationship. From the start, we each called the other spouse’s parents “Mom” and “Dad” and we were treated like another adult child in the family. My mother-in-law had decided I was “the one” for her son when she first met me, before my husband and I were even engaged, so our relationship started off on a good note. My dad took to my husband when he first met him and always said that he couldn’t ask for a better son-in-law.
In addition, we purposefully nurtured good relationships with our in-laws, setting aside time to spend with both sides of the family. When my mother-in-law was diagnosed with late stage cancer and needed hospice, I stepped forward and offered to have her and my father-in-law stay in our home because it was much closer to the hospital. My husband helped my parents with their will and advised them in legal matters. Another blessing we enjoyed was that his parents and my parents hit it off right away. They even traveled to visit each other from time to time. There were no hints of jealousy or incidents of tug of war between families.
This, unfortunately, isn’t always the case. Sometimes the union of a man and woman in marriage results in difficulties from bringing together very different sets of “family rules.” Bernard Poduska (2000) explains that:
Because of your upbringing in your particular family (your “family of origin”) certain rules guide you in your social roles, govern your interpersonal relationships, set limits on your behavior, and enable you to reasonably predict the behavior of others. . . .and as you might have guessed, the rules that each of you has “inherited” will most likely be different (p.26).
Poduska (2000) goes on to describe the three levels of family rules:
- Explicit: rules that are expressed verbally or posted on a refrigerator door, such as “don’t talk with your mouth full” or “sit up straight” and “never buy on credit” (p. 26).
- Implicit: rules that often have the greatest impact on our lives. Implicit rules are taught through nonverbal communication –based on family heritage and repeated through childhood and tend to be just below conscious awareness, such as “it is not permissible to stay out past midnight” and “no public displays of affection (kissing)” (p. 27).
- Intuitive: often unspoken, concerned with far-reaching concerns such as any ledger if instinctive obligations that need to be balanced, any need to pay back something owed to another, or to pass on something of value or importance (such as traditions or beliefs). Our legacy may also include expectations associated with our ethnic, religious, or vocational backgrounds, and include family taboos (p. 28).
According to Poduska (2000), “most families have hundreds of spoken and unspoken rules, and in many ways these rules help describe who we are” (p. 29). In our increasingly global society with marriages uniting couples from different ethnicities, nationalities, cultural, and economic backgrounds, this is particularly important to understand. For instance, I was born and raised in Canada and my husband is American. Even though I was raised in a culture very similar to the U.S. culture, traveled frequently to the U.S. to vacation, served an eighteen-month church mission in the southern U.S., and attended college in Washington state, I brought much of my Canadian heritage with me, and so living permanently in the United States required me to adapt to the new culture so I could feel comfortable. In addition, my husband and I have both had to learn and adapt to the various rules that we brought into our marriage so that we could better understand each other’s behaviors and values, including our financial practices.
In the broader picture involving in-laws and extended family, Poduska (2000) advises that:
It is important that couples understand the rules that bias their perceptions, because these rules influence not only how they expect others to behave but also the consequences they mete out to those who break these rules. One of the most frequent consequences of breaking family rules is distancing by other family members” (p. 30).
If a new son or daughter in-law doesn’t comply with certain family rules, family members may not take to the spouse, sometimes without even understanding why the spouse doesn’t seem to fit in. When the spouse’s families share several several similar traits and values, acceptance into the new family can be easier. Poduska (2000) points out that, “The degree of harmony between the husband’s family rules and the wife’s family rules also greatly determines the degree of difficulty in adjusting to marriage” (p.31). Because of the strain family differences can cause in family relationships, it is wise that the couple take time before they are married “to learn and talk about the unspoken rules in the prospective spouse’s family, [to make it easier] to feel included” (Harper & Olson, 2005, p.332).
It’s difficult to follow rules that one is not even aware of, and if a spouse doesn’t disclose family rules that are strictly adhered to, he or she handicaps the new spouse’s ability to be accepted and welcomed into the new family. But a new spouse also needs to be observant of the family they married into to pick up on other family rules so they can more easily fit in. I remember being advised of the rule that politics were never to be brought up at my husband’s family’s gatherings – this was majorly important. My own observations revealed that the frequent teasing and jokes about my Canadian traits were a sign of acceptance, and that they particularly loved it when I had a good comeback because that indicated my mutual acceptance of them. This was confirmed by my husband.
Because of possible differences in family rules, it is important to bring an expectation of change and a willingness to adapt into a marriage. There will be difficulties to overcome as couples learn to understand and acknowledge each other’s rules. There will be a need for flexibility and compromise as couple learn to accommodate their spouse’s expectations and those of the in-laws and extended family. And there will be a need to maintain a spirit of forgiveness towards each other and extended family as couples work together to establish their own marital identity while adapting into the new family situation and learning to navigate the new set of family rules.
Resources
Harper, J.M., & Olson, S.F. (2005). Creating healthy ties with in-laws and extended families. In Hart, C.H., Newell, L.D., Walton, E., & Dollahite, D.C. (Eds.), Helping and Healing our families: Principles and Practices Inspired by “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”, pp. 327-334. Deseret Book.
Poduska, B. (2000). Till debt do us part. Shadow Mountain.
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